Compositor B's Rants

Because some unknown guy working in a 17-century printshop should still have a platform to spout off.

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

If I wrote Facebook Quizzes, Part 1

Posted by Compositor B on May 7, 2009

You just took the “Who were You in a Past Life?” quiz, and the result is: “A Sixth-Century Gaulish peasant named Glerf.”

“You live in a filthy hut with dirt floors, heated by dung fires. You have no redeeming characteristics whatsoever, and died at 32 years of age, old and toothless.”

You just took the “What 1980s Sci-fi Cartoon Character are You” quiz and the result is “Ookla the Mok

“You are a hairy, smelly humanoid who only communicates in animal grunts. Your language makes Wookie sound like the Queen’s English. Your best friends are a hot babe and a Conan wanna-be from the future.”

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Killer Ants – A Reflection Upon One of the Greatest TV Shows EVAH!

Posted by Compositor B on April 22, 2009

Killer Ants. Seriously. Saw it years ago. The wife and I were cuddled on the couch in domestic bliss, surfing Sunday night TV for something worthwhile. And lo and behold – at precisely 7 PM we flip to the Discovery channel, just in time for a one-hour special called “Killer Ants.” Now, come on. How can you resist a show called “KILLER ANTS??” The name says it all. One whole hour of badass ants with huge jaws and ugly attitudes destroying everything in their path as they go on a killing rampage. I’m thinking Emmy award, here.

Me: “Yes! Totally awesome!” (reaching for the popcorn).

Her: “Gross! You really want to watch this?” (reaching for the barfbag).

So we watch. And it does not disappoint. We go from the Cost Rican army ants (watch them disassemble a whole scorpion), to the ferocious “jack jumpers” of Australia, who hunt alone and spend whatever time they aren’t single-handedly taking out wasps and bees in fighting one another for supremacy within the nest. The coup de grace are the African driver ants (“Siafu” in the Masai language), that take out whole chickens and rodents (and everything else) in a 20-million strong swarm of destruction. We got plenty of close-up views inside the colony thanks to the “AntCam,” and even humans were not safe from the scourge.

Of course, I have to pay for this later…

{Sometime around 3 am…} “Bryan! Wake up! You are covered in spiders and ants!!”

“Huh? No, I don’t think so.”

“Yes you are!! You’re covered!”

“No honey, you’re just having a bad dream because we watched the ant show. Go back to bed, it’s OK.” 

“grumble grumble…zzzz.”

{Morning – 8 AM} “Why didn’t you turn on the light last night?”

“What?”

“When I was having that bug dream. You didn’t even turn on the light to check it out.”

“Umm, that’s because I knew you were dreaming. It certainly didn’t FEEL like I was covered in spiders and ants biting me to death.”

“But you could’ve checked it out. I thought my pillow was full of bugs.”

“You didn’t tell me that. I told you that you were dreaming.”

“Yes, but you could have turned on the light to show me my pillow wasn’t full of bugs.”

“You didn’t tell me you thought your pillow was full of bugs! You said I was.”

“But why didn’t you at least turn on the light to show me there weren’t really any bugs? You were too busy sleeping to bother.”

“Is this a joke?”

“No, I’m just curious why you didn’t at least turn on the light to check it out and reassure me my pillow wasn’t full of bugs…”

Bizarre conversation. Went on far too long. Whatever. It was worth it. Did they ever make “Killer Ants II?” I suspect I’ll be watching that one alone.

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The Black Knight’s Guide to Winning Debates (In Your Mind)

Posted by Compositor B on March 28, 2009

I’m pretty sure everyone know someone who “wins” every debate or argument, no matter the facts, evidence or logic employed against them? I kind of thought the Black Knight from Monty Python’s Holy Grail was a prime example of this type. Enjoy:

black-knight-debate-guide-ro2

Posted in Humor | 1 Comment »

The REAL Way to Review Academic Manuscripts

Posted by Compositor B on March 28, 2009

For those of you familiar with the scholarly journal review process, this is the manuscript review we all sometimes wish we could submit: Read the rest of this entry »

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Template for Communication between the Doctoral Candidate and his/her Dissertation Committee

Posted by Compositor B on March 28, 2009

For all you struggling PhD students out there, the following template should come in handy for all communication with your committee regarding your dissertation: Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Academic, Humor | 2 Comments »