Compositor B's Rants

Because some unknown guy working in a 17-century printshop should still have a platform to spout off.

Archive for June, 2009

Thundarr-Blogging, Pt. 2

Posted by Compositor B on June 10, 2009

More excitement from everyone’s favorite Conan wanna-be from the year 3994, Thundarr the Barbarian! This installment’s episode: “Harvest of Doom.” Comments, again in no particular order:

Why, exactly, is it necessary to stop the speeding train? For “lords of light’s” sake, can’t you just let the thing hurtle by?

Note that Thundarr thinks the train is an animal, and Ariel has to tell his dumb ass it’s a train. Once again, we watch in envy as the hottie chooses to date the dumb jock. Even the futuristic sci-fi/fantasy world of 3994 turns out to be just like high school, circa any year, pretty much.

In one of many coincidences, this train just happens to be carrying a crop of dangerous flowers and a bunch of scaly villains up to no good. I guess Thundarr’s instincts to blindly run down and search a train that moments before he thought was an actual animal were on target.

The “DEATH-flowers” are not well-named, seeing as they only render one unconscious and/or allow others to control your mind. The future’s version of “EXTREME marketing,” perhaps.

The Carocks are just about the most buffoonish bunch of bad guys since the storm-troopers of Star wars. They also tend to flee when their weapons get knocked out of their hands, in spite of being heavily muscled with razor-sharp claws and teeth.

“Carocks” = mutant, humanoid crocodiles. Yeah, I know. “Carock-o-diles.” Moving on…

Thundarr continues to demonstrate the social skills and sensitivity he displayed in the last episode by yelling at terrified old ladies. This time, when a young girl saves him from a brutal swamp monster, he immediately and contemptuously calls her “swamp urchin.” That’s like telling a stranger who just gave you the Heimlich maneuver in a restaurant “thanks, ya filthy hobo!”

He also furrows his brow and snorts “females!” to express his general male bewilderment and annoyance at Ariel and the Swamp Urchin agreeing on paying her for her help. Thundarr, you sexist pig you….

For all his being a mighty barbarian warrior in a dangerous and deadly world, sneaking up on Thundarr is easier than winning a spelling bee with a two-year-old. Every other time he turns around, right behind him within arm’s reach are (1) furry, poisonous snakes, or (2) more Carocks waiting to chop off his head. Dude, pay a little more attention to your surroundings, a little less to Ariel’s caboose. Although that is a mighty fine caboose. Ariel is a prime example of smokin’ hot 80s cartoon cheesecake.

Aha – Thundarr must fight his best friend, Ookla, who is under sinister mind-control. Now where have I seen this before? Oh yeah: http://www.lirpa.de/pic/lirpa_06.jpg

“Ariel, Ookla, riiide!” Ah, that still gives me goose bumps. No, not really.

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Thundarr the Barbarian “Liveblog”

Posted by Compositor B on June 4, 2009

Well, as “live” as one can blog a cartoon rerun that envisioned 1994 as the “near future.”  This episode: “Prophecy of Peril” wherein Thundarr et al. must fight the evil wizard Vashtar by getting three women together who, according to a prophecy, will finish him off. No time stamps, I just did this as it played.

* Advice for evil wizards: when you capture the woman whom the prophesy predicts will cause your downfall, KILL HER, don’t put her in the dungeon, you idiot!

* If you make the mistake above, then for God’s sake don’t be stupid enough to tell her friends where you’ve hidden her away, allowing them to spring her.

* Seriously, this “evil wizard” is about as menacing and competent as Gargamel.

 *So…the supermodel captured from 1994 and brought to the future is now completely fine with the fact that she’s magically grown wings?

*When you yell “Be Silent Woman! We need your cart to overthrow the evil wizard!” and she’s terrified by your giant, wookie-like companion, don’t just assume she gives up the cart because she hates the local wizard.

* As a general rule, yelling at frail old ladies is not cool. That’s somebody’s grandma, dude.

*Thundarr “Prophecy of Peril” episode wrapup: Evil wizards should not squander their shot at world domination by (1) failing to kill the only ones who can kill them when they have the chance, (2) revealing where they have imprisoned the aforementioned, so their friends can spring them, and (3) failing to invest in basic combat training for their evil minions.

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