Compositor B's Rants

Because some unknown guy working in a 17-century printshop should still have a platform to spout off.

Killer Ants – A Reflection Upon One of the Greatest TV Shows EVAH!

Posted by Compositor B on April 22, 2009

Killer Ants. Seriously. Saw it years ago. The wife and I were cuddled on the couch in domestic bliss, surfing Sunday night TV for something worthwhile. And lo and behold – at precisely 7 PM we flip to the Discovery channel, just in time for a one-hour special called “Killer Ants.” Now, come on. How can you resist a show called “KILLER ANTS??” The name says it all. One whole hour of badass ants with huge jaws and ugly attitudes destroying everything in their path as they go on a killing rampage. I’m thinking Emmy award, here.

Me: “Yes! Totally awesome!” (reaching for the popcorn).

Her: “Gross! You really want to watch this?” (reaching for the barfbag).

So we watch. And it does not disappoint. We go from the Cost Rican army ants (watch them disassemble a whole scorpion), to the ferocious “jack jumpers” of Australia, who hunt alone and spend whatever time they aren’t single-handedly taking out wasps and bees in fighting one another for supremacy within the nest. The coup de grace are the African driver ants (“Siafu” in the Masai language), that take out whole chickens and rodents (and everything else) in a 20-million strong swarm of destruction. We got plenty of close-up views inside the colony thanks to the “AntCam,” and even humans were not safe from the scourge.

Of course, I have to pay for this later…

{Sometime around 3 am…} “Bryan! Wake up! You are covered in spiders and ants!!”

“Huh? No, I don’t think so.”

“Yes you are!! You’re covered!”

“No honey, you’re just having a bad dream because we watched the ant show. Go back to bed, it’s OK.” 

“grumble grumble…zzzz.”

{Morning – 8 AM} “Why didn’t you turn on the light last night?”

“What?”

“When I was having that bug dream. You didn’t even turn on the light to check it out.”

“Umm, that’s because I knew you were dreaming. It certainly didn’t FEEL like I was covered in spiders and ants biting me to death.”

“But you could’ve checked it out. I thought my pillow was full of bugs.”

“You didn’t tell me that. I told you that you were dreaming.”

“Yes, but you could have turned on the light to show me my pillow wasn’t full of bugs.”

“You didn’t tell me you thought your pillow was full of bugs! You said I was.”

“But why didn’t you at least turn on the light to show me there weren’t really any bugs? You were too busy sleeping to bother.”

“Is this a joke?”

“No, I’m just curious why you didn’t at least turn on the light to check it out and reassure me my pillow wasn’t full of bugs…”

Bizarre conversation. Went on far too long. Whatever. It was worth it. Did they ever make “Killer Ants II?” I suspect I’ll be watching that one alone.

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